Essay: The Stratford Crazies

(Picture, The two Ronnies pretending to be Crazies)

Definition: Stratford Crazy:

A person who is usually found on or around the crisis bench in Stratford town centre. Usually found in small groups or teams of crazies, they are always to be found in good voice and humor. Their vital role in the local community is facilitated by low grade rocket fuel, thinly veiled as a better quality rocket fuel, or white Lightening or Super Tennants/Skol Strong Larger (for the more discerning crazy).

Definition: Crisis Bench:

Benches in Stratford town centre where crazies traditionally ply their trade. Also used my manic depressives to contemplate, and old people to rest. (NB if you are from outside the UK and wonder what on earth I am going on about; switch into BBC World, find out what time Eastenders is on. Watch it and look for the little green in the middle of the square. You see those benches with people looking very intense (probably smoking), there! Got it! Good!) The crisis bench usually seats some of the most interesting and diverse people you will ever meet.

How, I hear you cry, could I spot these crazies in my own home town/village?

Well this is a difficult one to answer, as crazies are heavily influenced by the environment they emanate from. However, there are a few generic factors you can look out for: -

• Concealed drinking vessels.
• If you can see shiny gold on black/blue cans, that is an indication of Super Strength larger use
• Ill fitting 1980's European sports wear
• Cuts and bruises everywhere.
  

What sort of people are these Crazies and what is their role in society?

Good question and well put. There are many different types of Crazy. They have different aims and objectives, but the one thing they all have in common is their hedonistic lifestyle. Crazies don't live by conventional rules. They are their own bosses and will never answer "to the man". Many people are envious. I myself walk down to the high street at a lunchtime and wish I could be out in the sun getting drunk instead of having to go back to work.

The common mistake people make in regards to Crazies, is that they are disparate. Infact they are a highly organised and community spirited bunch.

Early in a morning around 8.30-9am all the crazies are lined up outside McDonald's, to be given their tasks for the day. Mostly they sit in silence and philosophize to themselves and each other, but some have more hands on tasks.

One Crazy who, I often see living in various phone boxes in the Stratford/Forest Gate area, lends his bloodshot eye to traffic safety. He shouts at the green man that appears when it is safe to cross the road and then shouts obscenities when people cross when it is not safe to do so. Very useful for blind people.

One Crazy is on secondment to the fashion police. Every time someone with glasses walks by he shouts "You should have gone to Specksavers!..... Have you got a fag?"

The festive season is a particuarly busy time for the Crazies. Startford also has an array of quite fine buskers plying their trade in Stratford. The Crazies take it upon themselves, for no commercial incentive, to act as backing singers and dancers for these musicians. Despite only a limited budget, Crazies often dip into the petty cash to by a festive hat in order to spread even more Christmas cheer!

The wonderful thing about the people of Stratford is that they always have time to chat to a Crazy. Legal advice, religion and Big Brother VI are always popular topics of conversation.

I went to speak to The honorable Hugh Wittington-Smythe, a retired High Court Judge and now full time crazy.

AB: Hugh, If I may be so informal, how did you break into the tight nit and secretive world of the Crazy?

HW-S: Well Andrew

AB: Mr Bull if you please.

HW-S: Sorry Mr Bull, where are my manners. It all started when I was at the Barr. The pressure of the job and the lack of self esteem that I was feeling at the time, really made me think I wanted more from life.

AB: A more hedonistic lifestyle perhaps?

HW-S: Yes exactly, a more henonistic approach. I wanted to devote more time to the lesser works of Plato and refresh my Socrates. Thucididies and his work on the Peloponnesian War. Fantastic stuff. Have you read it?

AB: Only the Letts notes.

HW-S: I know of some other part time Crazies on the County Court Circuit. They told me that the Stratford Crisis bench was the place to be if you were really committed to a life of hedonistic public servitude. Of course my family were a little upset by this turn of events, but they agree with the fundamentals of my Crazieness.

AB: Thanks you for your time Hugh.

HW-S: Any time dear boy. Fancy a swig?

AB: Not my hour I'm afraid, but thank you anyway.

I fear for the Crazies, along with the Marshgate lane protests, the Crazies are not happy about the Olympic bid success. They feel that with all the gentrification that will manifest from the Olympic success, that the Crazies will be driven out into the suburbs and away from their spiritual home benches. Mind you their slogan "Your Crazy, don't vote for London 2012" may have backfired somewhat.

In conclusion, not all Crazies were forced into this situation. A lot have done it out of choice. They live a lifestyle that they wish to live, which is more than be said of most of us supposedly non crazies. So when your out and about and you see a crazy in distress, see if their alright. Have a chat. You never know you might learn something!